Tuesday, September 04, 2007

My Brain Melted

We're having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave... You know it's hot when The Boyfriend spend all weekend running errands as an excuse to go somewhere with air conditioning!

So, as part of this whole "lifestyle change" I am on in terms of losing weight and such, I find myself doing a lot of self analysis, which is very weird for me as I have never been someone to really self analyze (I'm pretty sure that my close friends are seriously nodding their heads in agreement at this).

While I find this whole thing kind of fun and interesting - one could say I am learning a lot about myself - I find other parts of it kind of bizarre.

I have more to say on this, but I don't know if I am ready to share just yet. It's very odd to realize at 30 that you just may not know much about yourself. Or, because you were so very unhappy with your weight and how you look that when you finally deal with the whole situation you might also be dealing with the fact that you kind of cut yourself off from yourself as a way of dealing with your unhappiness.

Well, I guess I did feel like sharing.

I'm realizing just how screwed up my body image has always been. I mean, I knew it was always "kind of" screwed up, but I mean - I really had no idea what I looked like. At all. I look back on photos now and I get really sad for the person in them. She had no idea how perfect she was. I wish I could go back and tell her to ignore that stupid voice in her head - the one that told her she looked all wrong, her figure was too curvy, her clothes/hair were all wrong.

Man, that voice was really really dumb.

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